I have been associated with quite a few toxic and potentially unsafe boyfriends during my initial days of dating and each relationship made me feel guilty of my rather wrong taste in men. Yeah, they were scarred and damaged, but I eventually started to question myself whether I was the one responsible for leading these men towards me and give them the chance to hurt and undermine me. Well, it turns out, I WAS.
Here is what I realized:
They thought I could change them:
Apart from the occasional drinking in a bar, I am otherwise a health fanatic and lead quite a healthy lifestyle. This could potentially attract a toxic man who lacks discipline in his life because they think my strengths can overpower their flaws. This is what my boyfriend of a few months, a recovering alcohol addict thought of me. But alas a person never changes.
I was too good for them:
I was always the nice and supportive girlfriend who never got mad at my boyfriend for not calling me for days or not taking a stand for me in front of others. This kind of behavior is ideal for the toxic man because they like to take the upper hand in regard to your kindness and good nature. Unfortunately, in the course of my relationships, I was nothing more than the woman who bent backwards to satisfy her man.
I didn’t listen to my gut feeling about them:
I am the kind of person who sees the silver lining even in the most disappointing people. I should have known better than to trust their silly made up stories and their pointless lies. As a woman, you can sense when even the slightest of things is not the norm, USE THAT POWER LADIES!
They lacked empathy:
The men in my life lacked feelings of sympathy and sensitivity, to begin with. They would make up lies and victimize themselves to garner sympathy from me, and I being the naïve person that I am I gave in to their sad stories.
I had given up on the idea of love:
These destructive men don’t really want to be with a strong woman, who has a clear idea about love and understanding in a partnership, who wouldn’t waste her precious time and energy on these worthless beings. In the beginning, a toxic man can literally sweep you off your own feet until they have had all their desires fulfilled from you in the process. Then when you become too much of a challenge they simply move on.
I can’t fix an already broken relationship:
I was the woman who would believe my man’s circumstances and problems as the reason why my relationship didn’t work. But the truth is if a man wants to be with you, he will make space in his life for you and not the other way around.
I was the listener:
A toxic man loves nothing but to talk about himself mindlessly. I am the kind of person that makes other people more comfortable in opening up to me but the endless gibberish about his life, his goals, his ambitions made me even more lonely.
I couldn’t demarcate boundaries:
I began giving him the best I could, and this became the ultimate relationship killer. I would listen to all his grievances and neglect myself in the process.
I didn’t realize my true value:
I would say this was where I lacked, and that was the self-love department. I thought less of myself, drove my standards to the ground and lacked the self-respect I deserved. This made me the perfect candidate for this malicious relationship.
I thought it was too easy:
I was too relaxed and casual from the start and didn’t want to overburden the other person with unnecessary demands which didn’t improve the relationship in any way, to be honest.
I tried to make things work:
Toxic men have a way to exploit other women’s difficulties and manipulate them using their sneaky tactics. One thing I realized is that a woman should have the courage to pick herself up and leave the situation when needed.
You are not a rehabilitation centre for these men!