Being a woman, I have always been a bit fragile and emotional. I’ve been a woman who has been dependent on people she trusted. I needed a helping hand for all the things I did and a protector to watch me all the time. I was a woman who was so reliant on others for her happiness that she forgot to be happy on her own. I was a girl who was always afraid, and I feared isolation.
When I left the narcissistic relationship, I had been in I swore that woman would never show her face again and that only I can protect myself.
I guard myself because I faced so many failures with him, imagined and real, I was sick and tired of being taken for granted and living a life where his moods were constantly changing. I built a wall up around me and to be honest, no fucker is getting through that unless I say so.
I have always been polite and forgiving towards people. I was too innocent to understand the mistreatment he did initially, but I soon learned and it’s a lesson I won’t forget.
My heart and soul are now guarded, and my mind is now very clear and how I wish to live my life is my priority, yes, some won’t like that they will view me as selfish, but I don’t care.
Now I think twice before opening myself to anyone. I feel more secure and content because I trust no one. I’m stronger and sharper in how I live my life. I know I’m over-cautious now but better than that than being left wide open to the numerous abusive people who live in this world.
Being so restrained doesn’t mean I have lost my ability to love. Love is in my nature and it’s my strength I’m just more aware that the wrong person can eat away at my well-being and I won’t allow that.
I make sure I get what I want now and what I deserve. I deserve respect before love. I deserve not to be taken for granted. So now, my walls around me have secured me and my emotions more than ever before.
It’s not that people are always bad out there. There are good people too. The good ones with a kind heart. But I’m sure of one thing, I will not put any effort into finding such a person for myself again. I’m sure because I have tried it in past and got nothing but deception. Now, I’m just too tired to try and find the right one for me.
I do believe the right one will come along eventually and when they do, I’ll be prepared for whatever the future brings.