Not everyone has found themselves in love with a toxic person and they are the lucky ones, they have no idea of the crazy train of emotions that hits someone who finds themselves caught up in this false reality of what a narcissist thinks love is.
One moment your life is magical, like a fairy tale with a prince charming then it twists into the nightmare of darkness, coldness and hateful behavior, and it is exhausting.
One day you’re up full of life, happy and can’t believe how life is so sweet, the next day you’re down, and wondering what just went wrong. Your mind is a mass of confusion and you start to think you are going crazy, your health suffers and none more so than your mental health which feeds into your fear you are going crazy.
You end up sitting there thinking why do I love him so much yet allow him to make me feel like shit?
He is supposed you be your safe haven, his arms your safe place, he is not supposed to be the one that brings out so many insecurities in you and his arms most certainly are not supposed to be what restrains to him.
You’re sitting there thinking, okay he has a dark side, everyone does and that is true, but a dark side is not supposed to instil fear into you.
You see the dark side and hope it will pass soon so that his bright loving side will come back, you think perhaps he has just had a bad day, more like a bad life and he has no intention of going back to how you first met and the reason for that is because the person you fell in love with was all fake.
Suddenly, there is no logic to your life, you try so hard to convince yourself it will get better, and that maybe you are the reason he has changed so much, so there you are sitting blaming yourself for his shitty behavior.
You feel blessed to have him in your life, then you feel as if you are cursed, you know your brain is working overtime trying to get you to face the reality of your life, but you don’t want to hear it, so you push the thoughts away that are too hard to acknowledge.
Loving someone who is toxic is an addiction, there is no other way of putting it. You have become a junkie for him. The thought of leaving him hits you in the stomach and makes you feel sick, your chest hurts, you struggle to breathe and you don’t care what he says or does next to you just have to be with him.
You start to loathe yourself that you are acting this way and that you believe you can’t live without him.
When you are apart from him, you think of all the ways you could leave him as you know you should, you plan your escape and then he walks in and boom all thoughts of leaving fade away.
You feel disgusted with yourself for being this way, you wonder what happened to the vibrant strong woman you used to be and you mourn her as you would a friend passing.
You are so tired you begin to cease to function even the basic things like taking care of yourself. You look in the mirror and the woman staring back at you is someone you don’t know, that woman has dark circles under her eyes, her hair is lank and lifeless, there is no sparkle in her eyes and you can’t remember the last time she smiled.
It is usually at this point your time with him is done, he has got what he wanted from you, he has reduced you to a shell of who you were.
Then he tells you he is leaving!
Do you sigh with relief? Yes, some of us do as we have got to the point, we just want them to go, but for others they are not ready yet, so they fight for him, begging him to stay.
This is when he steps up his toxic attacks, he tells you he hates you, you are useless to him, “look at you he says you can’t even look after yourself let alone look after me”.
He took all the best parts of you and has now left your darker side, your side that does and says crazy things and because of this, he convinces everyone around you that you are crazy.
You are not crazy, you have been abused and none of it is your fault. What you have to do now is use the fight you had to try and keep him and use that to save yourself.
You’ve lived in a warzone there are always casualties in this war against toxic love.
That is exactly what it is like to love a toxic person, it is hell and it destroys so much of a person that they wonder will they ever find their way home.
You’re not weak, you never were. There is a fragility about us survivors that people notice first, but then when they look in our eyes and see the damage done, they also see a spark of strength coming out that says watch out world she’s about to come back fighting, kicking, screaming and at times crying but she is coming back!