You Didn’t Beat Me Down As You Planned And I Hope That Haunts You Forever

I’ve not been one who walks the road of vengeance, I always felt it was a waste of time and energy with a hefty dose of negative emotions that don’t do anyone any good.

I would let things that people did slide why make an issue best just forgive and forget, after all, life is way too short to be burdened with grudges, it was liberating to feel like that, don’t get me wrong I was no wallflower that people could walk all over I’d make my point and then move on.

But you came along and everything changed.

You changed me in ways I didn’t think was possible, I went from this happy woman who embraced life to a shell, who doubted herself, had self-image issues, lost my faith in love, the world and all of humanity.

The person I am now is quite a shock not only to me but those around me, the person I simply did not exist. I had to work hard on this new me, the hardest was accepting me as I wasn’t sure I wanted her to be around anyone at all. 

Your aim in life it seemed was to destroy every part of who I was, you enjoyed the pain you caused, the more hurt I was the more reaction you got and the more you liked it.

I felt everything you did to me deep into my bones and my heart and soul shattered into infinite pieces that no recovery will ever completely heal.

Our entire relationship was hell on earth, don’t get me wrong there were some happy times, what I didn’t realize at the time is you gave me happy moments to keep me within your clutches so that you could give me living hell too.

The good times made me stay even in the darkest days as I held on to the memories of the good times to keep me going and I hoped in vain that you would stop and return back to the man I fell in love with, but that was not meant to be.

Now all I remember are the bad times.

The humiliation and there was plenty of that, all carried out in front of my friends and family much to their horror.

The countless tears that I cried which you would provoke as it gave you so much power.

The pain as you would hit me, grab my wrist to keep me under your control, I couldn’t move as I knew if I did what you were capable of. The broken ribs, teeth and bones, and above all my broken spirit.

You had to control me, you had to manipulate me, everything had to be on your terms.

You took and took and took from me and gave nothing but pain in return.

I remember so vividly the sleepless nights laying next to you too scared to move in case I woke you, replaying the days events over and over in my mind wondering what I had done to provoke you, and then my thoughts would turn to the day ahead as the sunrise started coming through the window and hoping that you would wake in a good mood.

What I now remember most is the day I came home from work and walked into a silent home it was eerily so. Putting my keys down on the hall table and walking through and immediately seeing an empty room, no furniture, just my pictures out of the beautiful silver frames they had been in dumped in the middle of the floor. My books just were thrown around the room, spines damaged, you knew how much I loved my books!

It’s the same story for every room, you not only stripped our home, you stripped me of anything worth of monetary value to you, but what you failed to see was things can be replaced, yes, they are not the same, sometimes what is replaced is better. You failed to see most of all when I stood there crying and laughing all at the same time because I was finally free of you.

I called my friends screaming down the phone ‘He’s left me, he has taken everything, I’m free, BRING WINE STAT!’

They arrive with the requested wine, copious amounts, pizza, a playlist which of course included I will survive and we drank, we danced, we laughed, we cried, and then I passed out on the floor. I woke up to find myself covered with their jackets and them sitting there waving coffee under my nose, now that’s true friendship, and that is something you will never experience.

There were ridiculous amounts of voicemails and texts from you as I hadn’t played into your hands of breaking down and contacting you asking you, no begging you to come back. Why the fuck would I?

Your taunts about all my special possessions that you had taken and sold or given away. It wasn’t until later that I found out my friends had spent weeks trying to track down my possessions, eBay, Amazon, pawn shops you name it they looked, they found a few items but to be honest all they did was remind me of you, so I asked them to stop looking.

Then a new kind of hell began, letters that you had clearly been hiding started to arrive from numerous banks, credit card companies, loan companies and all in my fucking name, you had not only broke me you had ruined me financially too.

I went to see an attorney, I sat there shaking with this huge envelope of numerous letters, final demands threats of court action and saying to them I don’t know what to do. They scarily reassured me that the courts were used to dealing with the fallout of men like you.

The endless court appearances were humiliating I’d never been to court before, hell never even had a ticket. But the worst thing of all was facing you in that courtroom! The sleepless nights before the hearings, I lost so much weight when I looked in the mirror all I saw was a sunken-faced woman with eyes that looked dead with all hope lost.

You honestly thought I wouldn’t take you to court you thought your hold on me was still that strong, what you failed to see was despite how I looked a strong defiant zero fucks given woman was slowly growing inside and her fight was a glorious one about to hit you hard.

My soul was growing at an alarming rate, it hugged my heart and kept it safe from harm, my mind that had once been full of self-doubt and fear was giving me the talk of do not give in, fight girl fight.

I’ve slowly rebuilt my life it was hard work and I still have days where I don’t want to get out of bed and everything is an effort, on those days I force myself out of bed and remind myself I am in control and you will never beat me down again.

I rebuilt myself a home, and even though it was proved in court that fraud had been committed getting finance for my new home was a battle and one I still fight to this day, each time I have to show court documents of the fraud and regardless of how many times it is shown I didn’t take out the loans or default in any way the damn credit rating companies hadn’t updated the records, it took another court case to deal with that!

But here I am moved on, building my life that trust me no one is going to take from me as no one will get that close for a very long time.

I still feel the pain of what you did, but it’s a pain when felt that heals a little more with each passing day. I know I will never be fully healed and that’s okay with me as that means I won’t be blind to red flags, I won’t be blinded by a charming man with coldness in his soul.

It must have really got to you that I didn’t go quietly like so many before me. That you were finally caught for your crimes, it must have really hurt your ego to see a 5ft nothing woman stare at you with contempt as that is what you deserved.

I hope that every time shit gets real for you, when you have no money as that is your greatest love as you have been ordered to repay all the fraud you committed, that you remember me.

I know you will never feel guilty as it isn’t in your mindset to be that way, I’m sure the stories you have told are monumental how your ex got you convicted yet ‘I’ really did take out all that finance.

I hope every time life gets hard for you, and each time your latest victim wakes up to you and leaves you that your mind wanders back to me and you know that it was being with me that started your final descent into hell, the place you always put your victims in.

We have survived you each and every one of us, we are braver, stronger than you could ever be as you are a coward.

Each one of us will haunt you in our own way, but I will haunt you the most and I kinda love that thought!