They say time is a great healer, as time passes you feel better about what hurt you, but this age-old phrase just doesn’t cut it for me.
I believed healing was going one step up the ladder each time something was faced, but that ladder is a liar as quite often what you gain in one step, another demon faced knocks you back down two steps.
You would think that after facing each part of the trauma you get smarter about life, you can see shit coming from a mile away and avoid it, but that just isn’t true.
You sometimes find yourself in a cycle of pain and you wonder if you will ever break the cycle, step out from the darkness that seems to be engulfing you when all you want is some light and some peace.
You have this illusion that just getting through one day will make the next day better but real life is not like that. You have days sometimes months that feel endless and stagnant, and you feel you have accomplished nothing.
There are no rules to healing despite what some may say, there is no set process as each person’s recovery is different and what works for one person will not work for another.
Time alone works for some, but not all, the whole getting better about things just adds pressure you don’t need, and worse when a thoughtless person will pipe up with ‘aren’t you over it yet?’.
Our mood depends on where we are in our journey if that makes me a moody bitch more often than not so be it if people don’t like that version of me feel free to move along.
The days I’m in a good place are celebrations, my version of celebrations, not the ones dictated by others.
You see you have to understand that healing is ugly, it is not candlelit baths and meditation, or walks in the sunset, don’t get me wrong if that suits your needs, I’m not knocking it, but its time to quit this romantic version of healing and face facts.
Healing is knowing that all your self-esteem and self-respect have taken one hell of a knockout punch and along with that, it has stolen your confidence. There is no consistency to healing, it goes up and down like a rollercoaster and just as a bad ride on one of those can leave you feeling sick and disorientated.
It is painful, oh so painful and you wonder when will the pain stop, will it ever go away and give you the peace your whole body and mind are so desperately seeking.
There will days when you hate yourself, you will feel as if you are drowning in toxic thoughts and feelings and there will be days when you feel as if you have no control over your life, which leaves you frustrated and angry.
As odd as it may sound, those days, those dark days are the ones you have to hold onto just as much as the good days, they are the lessons you need to learn and evolve from, and once learned you can release them as they have served their purpose.
Never be afraid to ask for help, sounds easy, doesn’t it? But its not and it is yet another lesson of healing learned. Asking for help doesn’t always suit everyone, and it is not being secretive or stubborn, something often accused of by those who have no understanding of your battle.
As you face each part of your healing, your battle, you will find your confidence returning and she is a glorious beast to grab hold of and say this is all me, all my hard work. With confidence, your self-esteem and self-respect come charging back too, like an old much-loved friend.
It is this that will help you cope differently with your bad days as yes those will still turn up and often when you least expect them, like a gremlin who has been fed after mid-night they bring chaos and confusion.
There will be times when you feel the light on your face no matter how glimpsing and then something will trigger you and you find yourself sobbing your heart out as you were so close to where you want to be.
So, cry, scream, rage and then get back up as whilst you were raging against your internal storm your body and mind were releasing the toxicity that remained within.
You may find bad dreams coming back, and you wake up full of fear your heart pounding but struggle to actually recall the details, sometimes the mind releases memories not for you to remember but to let them go, that’s a hard one to make sense of and even harder to explain.
You will find there are more days that you smile, even if to yourself, you start to take delight in the little things you have been missing, this is your own hard work, your own state of mind letting you know this battle is being won, celebrate those times.
You will become calmer, more rational, and see things as they are, your own step by step recovery that is healing you from your soul outwards. You may even doubt that you are winning, that’s because it has been so long a battle how can it really be so close to your own desired ending.
Feel all these emotions, they are yours and yours alone. Feel your strength growing and welcome her home. Keep holding on as the pain subsides and you step back into the light, stronger and wiser than ever before.