I survived domestic violence and because of that I am always living on high alert for any potential offenders of the same, I can’t help it if you had survived like I have you would understand why I am like this.
To take a step into dating again is a huge risk for me and it takes me digging deep into myself and finding the courage to take a risk.
Any man who wants to date me will need to understand and acknowledge that I can’t help but see the past into the present and the future. I’m not labelling all men as the same, I’m just saying I will look at the possibility you could be and that terrifies me.
I need to feel freedom in the relationship as that was stripped away from me, I was constantly living in fear of what he would do next and I was utterly suffocated by him, yet too afraid to leave him.
I don’t need to hear the words ‘I love you’ like some kind of mantra, talk is cheap and nasty, I need to be shown.
I will be a challenge to date, I know I will be and it will take a man who will be patient and understanding of me.
I can’t forget the past even if I wanted to, it is part of my life and who I now am. It is why I question everything and I mean every little detail.
I’m still healing and anything can trigger me into a spiral of dark memories that I wish were not there.
Don’t tell me to just forget it and move on with my life, if it was that simple don’t you think I would have already?
I am getting stronger every day that passes, I learned some hard lessons from my time living in that environment, so whoever I do finally agree to try dating with again needs to understand that what others find so easy is like climbing a mountain for me.
I have many imperfections I know this because I was constantly told this, the question now is are those imperfections real or are they a result of being brainwashed into believing them.
Physical contact is not easy for me, a simple spontaneous hug can trigger memories of the violent episodes. A simple hug that most take for granted as part of a relationship for me is ‘will he reach around and punch my face’ as that is what he used to do.
Touching me with no kind of warning is a big no, no. You will need to ask to even hold my hand, for goodness sake don’t just grab my hand, he did that and twisted my hand until my wrist snapped.
Can I ask that you just wait for me to make the first move for holding your hand, it will show you I am beginning to trust you, I won’t apologize for setting up these rules, these boundaries, if that isn’t going to work for you, I understand, and you are not the right man for me.
Trust is earned and to be honest I have trouble even trusting myself. I clearly made a bad decision letting him into my life, taking it over and leaving me the vulnerable woman I am today.
I do blame myself for what happened and that’s okay. I need to do that to then work on myself and my recovery to where I teach and guide myself that no I was not to blame for his actions, he is responsible for his actions, but that takes time and I’m slowly getting there.
I lost the woman I was, the happy go lucky free-spirited woman who embraced life and lived every moment. She is gone and she is never coming back, I can say that as the woman who is slowly emerging from within me is very different, but I kinda like her too.
I will be honest enough to tell you all that happened as you need to know, to perhaps give you a small understanding of why I am this way, but that won’t happen overnight. Time will tell if you can listen without judgement as let’s be honest so many judge these days it’s a wonder anyone has relationships at all.
It will be hard for you to hear about the physical assaults, the verbal abuse, the emotional as well as the physical damage done to me, but if you don’t know how will you understand me?
I don’t want your sympathy, what I want from you is patience and understanding, I know I keep saying that but it truly is the key to building trust and in turn building a relationship.
I need you most importantly to look at me as the woman I am becoming and that is a survivor. Never look at me as a victim, that woman is long gone, what you have before you is the new me.
I survived more shit than most could ever imagine, I’m working hard on improving my life and into growing. I know my worth and it isn’t worthless like I was told so many times.
I have respect for myself and it will take a very special man to be welcomed into my life.
The question is after reading this do you really still want to date me?