My Former Self Died And That’s Okay

A part of me died and that’s okay!

The part of me that has died is the part that endured destructive relationships and toxicity in my life.

Do I grieve for her?

Yes, I do, for she was innocent and saw life with child-like eyes until the day no longer a child, but a woman who had to face her fears head-on as there was nowhere to run and hide.

In place of that child became a child-woman who had walls built so very high, who watched for every change in tone of voice, a look given, words spoken with hidden meaning and a state of hypervigilance that drained her very soul.

I look back on the child-woman and grieve for her as she changed over time and believed she had become a burden to those that claimed they loved her.

The whispered conversations behind closed doors that she knew she had to protect herself against.

I thank her so deeply for opening up for the woman I am now, she guided me through the darkest of times with bravery and courage, her strength was staggering and her resilience to trauma even more so.

Her heart was so fragile, yet others used it as a plaything and each time it broke a little more, she lifted up her sword against the monsters and held it in front of her and shouted, “You shall not pass here again”.

So here I am detaching myself from her, saying goodbye and wishing her peace.

She no longer has to defend me; this woman can defend herself.

She no longer has to hold onto all the unhealthy recycled pain that the family she once had thrived on.

She no longer has to endure the childhood wounds inflicted upon her for someone else’s gratification.

She no longer has to seek out something to act as bandages for her wounds, as I wear those scars with honor.

She has gone as far as she can with the healing of this mind and body we share, it is time for me to take over and carry on that journey.

She is my mentor, my greatest teacher, for she taught me as her last final act before she left me, to love myself, to believe in myself, and to above all know that what had taken place was not my fault.

Now I am my savior, my healer, and my own warrior and I’m going to be just fine now without her.