I’ve lost count the number of times I thought I was going crazy. Thinking that something is wrong with you and its all your fault feeds into those fears that you are crazy.
I’m an organized person, everything in its place so it’s easy to grab when I need it, so why suddenly was nothing where I put it? Why were things in different places or worse on the MIA list completely to only turn up again later that day or a few days later when I knew I had pulled everywhere apart looking for said missing item.
Looking back now I know it was all him! Hiding my shit and watching me panic, hell he even used to look for things with me, that was really fucked up of him.
I’m sure the banks had my accounts flagged as owned by a crazy bitch who kept cancelling her cards to then call back the next day to say I had found them but it was too late, cards cancelled new ones were on route, which left me with no access to the money until they arrived. After the first few times, I learned to have cash in the house, but dammit if that didn’t suddenly disappear too, to only turn up when the new cards were in play.
Thinking you are going crazy is one of the worst things, you are so scared that you are perhaps no longer safe to look after your children, will someone report you to child services, will you be classed as an unfit mother, will you lose your children, the very reason your heart beats and your soul sings.
I wasn’t going crazy at all! He was manipulating me into thinking I was. He was gaslighting me, playing mind games and he was abusing me to the point of triggering me into behaving irrationally.
He didn’t just stop there he used further abusive tactics that damaged me so deeply I wondered would I ever come out the other side.
1. He made me do things I knew was wrong
He was relentless in his pursuit of making me do something he knew went against everything I believed in. I got the ‘If you really love me, you would do this for me’ speech. Like a fool, I fell for it.
2. He would bring up things from the past to hurt me
Every little thing that I had done wrong in his eyes would be thrown in my face at every opportunity, often if I was challenging him over something he had done, this was his way of deflecting the issue away from him and onto me. He would have me so worked up I would forget what I had originally spoken to him about.
3. He would often tell me I was too emotional
According to him, I was too emotional about everything. I never got a straight answer from him, so yes, I got upset as I knew he was telling me a lie, but it was my fault, I was overreacting, I was being stupid, I was being paranoid. It made me question everything about myself which is exactly what he wanted.
4. He would make fun of me in front of my friends
OMG did he thrive on doing this as often as he could. Initially, my friends would look at me and say, ‘Oh Kate’ and laugh, they had no idea how much that hurt or what he was doing. The more he did it though the quicker they caught on and whilst he was laughing thinking he was being funny my friends were looking at him with new eyes and seeing what he truly was. They stood up for me, as a result, they were banned from the house and he then started to check my phone to see if we had remained in contact.
5. I started lying
Because of point 4, I had to start lying just so I could see the very people he had banned from not only our home but my life. The few moments of peace I did have with my friends it what kept me going and gave me the strength to leave when I did, what many people don’t understand is you can’t just get up and walk away from a relationship with a narcissist, they are dangerous people and when children are involved you do all you can to protect them, even if that means living a lie for a little longer until you know it is safe to leave.
In the end, you do whatever it takes to be safe, and even now people still judge me and you know what, I seriously don’t give a fuck.